M is my Favorite Letter: Musings on Mental Health, Moving On, and Most of All – Myself

This post is a slight departure from the usual blog content. I wanted to share some thoughts I have on some of the changes that have happened in my life in the past year or so, and I don’t have anywhere else to put it. So I guess the blog will do haha. I don’t know how long this will get, but here is a TLDR for you if you really don’t feel like reading my ramblings:

• I took an extended and indeterminate leave of absence from my PhD program for mental health reasons
• Over time I realized that my thesis/PhD work was making me unhappy, and decided I didn’t want to continue
• Had a major crisis about this because like wow that’s a big change for me
• Started applying to jobs, and now I’m an esports data analyst

I guess this post also serves as my “general announcement” to everyone that I will no longer be finishing my PhD. Some people know already. But I didn’t really talk about it publicly too much until I could discuss it with my advisor.

When I put it like that, in bullet points, it all seems so straightforward. But of course in the moment and going through it, it was definitely not that simple.

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Mental health

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Let’s talk about the first M – mental health. I have dealt with anxiety and depression for years. During the fourth year of my grad program there were some life events that exacerbated both, and made it really difficult for me to focus on work. I mean one of those is COVID. Adjusting to the state of the world and the new state of life was hard. Until that point I had definitely been feeling like academia wasn’t for me. However I remained convinced in my head that I was enjoying my research and the program. At the time there was also no question in my head if I would finish my program or not. I had started, so I would finish.

Part of my mental health struggles I think have always stemmed from being really hard on myself. The people in my life are always EXTREMELY supportive of me. But I always feel an internal need to be the best and to push myself. This manifests in feeling like I need to finish what I commit to, and feeling like I need to prove myself.

As time went on, and I was still on leave from research, thinking about going back to work would fill me with dread. It got worse as more time passed, and kept building up. However, I kept telling others that “oh I’m just on mental health leave, but I’ll be completing my PhD within a year.” I held on to that, I think because I was worried about looking like a failure if I “dropped out.”

Obviously my loved ones could tell that I was deeply unhappy. After more than a year of being on leave, I had a conversation with my dad that for some reason really hit me hard. He basically just reiterated how much me and my mom love me and want me to be happy. He also said that either path (finishing my PhD or not) is a fine choice. I just need to choose what makes me happy, and that whatever that is is the right path.

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Moving on

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Now we get to the moving on part. I don’t know why that conversation with my dad was so impactful. He wasn’t saying anything that was new to me. I already knew how much my parents loved me and wanted me to be happy. But maybe it was just hearing those words out loud. That it was OKAY to not want to finish.

Logically I always knew that was an option. My advisor had brought it up before, when I was clearly unhappy. But I think my brain didn’t really allow me to consider it as a real option. It’s kind of hypocritical of me to be honest. I would NEVER judge anyone else for leaving a program they were unhappy in. On the contrary I’d be happy for them for making that choice! But I wasn’t allowing myself that same freedom. I think I was looking at it as a personal failure if I didn’t finish.

Hearing my dad say those things out loud though, my brain finally began to accept leaving as a real option. And once I considered it, I actually felt a weight lift off of my chest. That’s when I knew it was probably the right choice for me. I was finally letting myself move on. Moving on from the idea of being a failure, moving on from academia, moving on with my life. Everything had felt so stagnant until then, and I felt STUCK. But this internal decision gave me some relief, and allowed me to start thinking about what I actually wanted to do with my time and life.

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Myself

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This whole thing has just been about myself haha. I didn’t want to write it at first, because it felt very self-indulgent. And it makes me feel weird to just put my problems out there. But I thought maybe it could help some people understand, and work through the same thing if they’re also having a similar issue.

But anyway, I’ve always been kind of a selfish person. I haven’t really lived my life trying to please others. HOWEVER. I think I took a new step through this process in focusing on making myself HAPPY. I’ve always sort of gone along with things that I think I’m good at. But now I just want to be happy. Maybe that’s progress depression-wise; even though I wasn’t previously purposefully self-sabotaging my happiness, I don’t think I was doing myself any favors. All of that made sense in my head but I don’t know if it’ll make sense to you all haha.

Sooooo, I started applying to jobs in the video game and book publishing industries. Those are my two favorite hobbies (though rock climbing is up there), so I wanted to see what kind of jobs were available! I got a job doing esports data analysis, and that’s what I’ve been doing for the past couple months. I’m enjoying it so far, and am looking forward to where it takes me.

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I don’t know how to end this in a thoughtful way. But if you read through this, I thank you. And of course if anyone is going through a similar time in their life, I am here for you.